


say something

by loumymind



Series: Say Something [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loumymind/pseuds/loumymind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a beautiful feeling, to be in love with someone and know that they feel the same way. To know that their heart beat spikes when you're around, and you're the reason for the dimpled smile on their face as they fall asleep each night. </p><p>There's nothing in the world quite like being in love. Until you've experienced it, you'd never be able to imagine the joy it can bring to a persons life. </p><p>And until you've had it taken away from you, you'd never be able to fathom the immense pain that comes with losing it. </p><p>There's no uglier feeling them watching that person love someone else. Louis is absolutely sure of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	say something

**Author's Note:**

> This is all a work of fiction. No of this happened and I have nothing to do with One Direction. 
> 
> Also I used two songs and passed them off as One Direction's in this - because it's fanfiction and I can :) but credit goes to the lovely artists the songs belong too. 
> 
> My first Larry fic... hope you enjoy.

"I'm really sorry, Lou," Harry Styles muttered as he shuffled his boots against the hardwood floor, his eyes glued down on them. 

 

          Louis inhaled deeply, hating how a nickname that used to be filled with so much affection now felt hollow and empty, forced out of his boyfriend's lips. No... His  ex boyfriend. 

 

           There was a duffle bag sitting by the front door that Louis was trying his hardest not to acknowledge. He couldn't help letting his eyes shift towards it, and feeling them burning with the sensation of trying not to cry. He wanted to scream or hit Harry. Bury his knuckles deep into the eye socket of his perfect face. He just wanted Harry to be as hurt as he was. But really, what was the point, anyway? The person standing awkwardly in front of him- still starring at those dumb pointy toed boots Louis had always despised -  was not the same curly haired boy he'd fallen in love with three years ago. So why even try and keep him, now? 

 

         Louis tried to reason this to himself, but no matter what, he  wanted to keep Harry here with him.  No matter how much he had changed, or how far they seemed to have drifted apart. Louis just wanted to wrap his arms around the sleek torso that that used to lie in bed next to him every night and hug it so tight that he could never leave. Louis  needed Harry, more than the air he breathed, he sometimes thought. 

 

          "Yeah, me too..." Louis finally murmured in response to Harry's pathetic apology. He was surprised he could even get the words out without crumbling into pieces in front of this boy -  man \- across from him. 

 

           "I still want to be friends, Louis," Harry whispered into the tension filled air that encompassed them. His green eyes finally met Louis'. "You've always been such an important part of my life," he continued and Louis couldn't help but feel that was putting it mildly. "We were so close back then... I don't want to lose that. I mean, is.... Is there anyway we can just go back to that?" Harry said, his eyes now pleading for some sort of confirmation that they just could go back and act as if none of this has even happened to begin with. 

 

           Those words hurt more than when Harry actually said " I can't do this anymore".   How could he possibly expect Louis to go back to considering him just a friend, after everything that they'd been through? 

 

           Louis couldn't even fucking remember what it was like to  not love Harry. Had such a time ever even existed? Looking back, the way they had bonded so quickly and effortlessly - the secret touches and shared smiles, and the way they just couldn't keep their eyes off each other. It was always more than a friendship. Louis couldn't pretend that the best thing to ever happen to him just didn't exist. 

 

           "I can't do that, Harry. I can't be your friend and pretend I'm not completely in love with you. Maybe you can just throw us away so easily and pretend we never happened, but I can't. And it's not fucking fair for you to even ask that of me," Louis replied calmly, even though his heart was racing a mile a minute and he felt as though he might get sick all over their carpet. 

 

          Harry's teeth sunk into his lower lip, his thick eyebrows knitting together as he looked back down at the floor, like he always did when he was willing himself not to cry.  Good, Louis thought bitterly. Harry only nodded once before pulling his gaze back to Louis'. "What... What about the band?" He asked, saddness filling his voice as it cracked a little. 

 

           Louis opened his mouth to respond but then quickly clamped it shut again. That was a good question. Louis wasn't about to give up the  second  best part of his life. That wasn't fair, since the love of his life was leaving him after all. He shouldn't have his dreams ripped from his hands as well. So he answered carefully, keeping his eyes steady on Harry's. He wanted him to recognize the aching pain and saddness they held. "Harry, we can remain band mates... But that's it. We can't be friends. I'll be professional... But yeah, no, I'm not going to be your friend." 

 

            Harry winced, squeezing his eyes shut quickly. "Lou... I don't want to lose you." 

 

          "Then don't leave, Harry! I'm not the one breaking up with you! If you don't want to lose me, then don't fucking leave me. Whatever it is, whatever's wrong, we can fix it. Harry, it's you and I. We can fix  this ! Please... Just.... Please don't leave me, Harry." Louis voice had declined to a tiny, broken whisper. He hated the way he sounded, pathetic and desperate. But he  was desperate. The moment Harry walked out that door, Louis wasn't sure how we was going to be able to keep going on. 

 

            "Louis," Harry sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he regarded the older lad breaking in front of him. Louis could tell from his tone alone that this was a sinking ship, and he was moments away from drowning. But Louis still clawed about, looking for any way to pull them out of the water and save them. 

 

             "Harry, I love you. I love you so god damn much, and you loved me too! I know you did, I could feel it. I don't think we've lost that! I don't think that feeling could ever disappear, you just need to search for it again! Harry we fix this, you can love me again... It's..." Louis inhaled a shaky breath, his voice breaking with as shallow sob. "It's Larry Stylinson forever, remember?" 

 

            Louis thought he recognized some kind of emotion flicker across Harry's face when he said that, but it was gone as quickly as it came. "That's just a silly pet name the fans made up," he muttered, scratching as the back of his neck. "It didn't mean anything." 

 

          Louis felt as is he'd been punched in the gut, or like all the air had been sucked out of the room, because he could hardly breathe.  Larry had always been so significant to them, it meant so much more than that. It had been their corner stone, the thing they relied on most when the hiding or hate would get them down. They would bask in the glory of their supporters, looking at sites dedicated to the way they looked at each other, cuddled up in bed, dreaming of the day that they wouldn't just be a ship, but an actual couple. 

 

           If Harry was denying that, then this was really over. Louis knew it. So he sucked it up and said the two hardest words he'd ever spoken in his twenty one years.

 

           "Goodbye, Harry," he whispered as he pushed past him and opened up the door. Both boys knew this wasn't actually goodbye, because of course they had a photo shoot the next morning. But it was an unspoken agreement that it was really the end. You could see it in both of their eyes. 

 

             "Bye, Lou," Harry mumbled as he backed out the door, reaching for his duffle bag as he stumbled a little. Their gazes stayed steady on each other until the door finally fell shut, making  their  flat now  Louis' flat. 

 

          "Bye, Haz..." 

 

          The second he was gone, Louis was engulfed by the incredibly empty feeling that filled the entire room. It was completely silent. Louis hated that. So he filled the stillness with the sound of his broken sobs, and the muttering of his name over and over and over again. 

 

Harry, Harry, Harry... 

 

Harry was gone. 

 

*** 

 

Louis missed the photoshoot the next day. And the interview after that. Then the O2 arena show. Excuses were made for him, and the fans were all going crazy wondering what had happened. '#whereisLouis?' trended for nearly two whole weeks, and so did '#smileforusHarry'. 

 

         The fans were smart enough to put the two things together. Harry's red puffy eyes when he was spotted and he was photographed clubbing almost every single night mixed with the fact that Louis hadn't stepped foot outside of his flat in eighteen days and deactivated his twitter. Tumblr and twitter were a raging debate over whether the occurrences were Larry related or not. 

 

         But Louis' momentary hiatus from the band wouldn't last. Modest! wouldn't keep letting him miss events and having the boys tweet excuses for it. It was causing way too much of a stir. Liam reminded him of this gently one night while Louis downed his fourth beer of the six Liam had brought over. 

 

         Louis only allowed visitors who brought beer with them. Or pot, that was especially welcomed. And one Saturday morning when he'd been feeling overly weepy, he'd granted access to Niall for bringing a dozen chocolate cupcakes. 

 

           He knew he had to suck it up and get back to the band. Wallowing in his own self pity, half stoned and half buzzed all the time, just seemed too pathetic. Like it was letting Harry win. Though Louis knew that wasn't the case; Harry would never want Louis to be hurting and throwing everything away whether he was in love with him or not. But sometimes Louis' mind was much too bitter of a place for those reasonings. 

 

         "So he's alright, then?" Louis had asked Zayn one night nonchalantly as he inhaled the smoke, enjoying the way it filled his lungs. Or at least he had tried to sound nonchalant, Zayn saw through it, he was sure of it. Louis had specifically saved the question for a night when Zayn stopped over, because he knew Zayn would he straight with him. Liam would beat around the bush to try and spare Louis feelings. And Niall's judgement was blinded by the fact that he was their biggest supporter of all and refused to believe it was really over between them, even though Louis had already begrudgedly accepted it. Zayn was smart enough to know that Louis wanted to...  needed to know and that nothing could really cause him more pain than he was in already, anyway. 

 

         Zayn had reached over for the joint, looking thoughtful. As he exhaled, he finally spoke. "He's different," he murmured, blowing a ring of smoke. "I mean, he's not happy and I can tell he misses you, honestly. Having you there constantly was such a second nature to him, and I think it's hard adjusting," Zayn paused to pass the burning torch to Louis again. "I've seen him cry a few times, and I know he can't stand knowing how badly he hurt you, after all those times be promised he never would. But he... He seems, free, if you will." 

 

           Louis didn't need clarification on why Harry felt  free  because it went hand in hand with all the struggles they'd had as a couple. Harry hated lying, he hated hiding and knowing he couldn't just be himself in public. It stressed him out to not be able to hug or smile at or even talk to Louis for fear of someone catching on to the truth. Countless times he'd begged Louis to say  fuck it with him and come clean about it all. And it frustrated him that Louis just went along with it, posing for cutesy pictures with Eleanor when he was told, and tweeting to her when forced. 

 

          Louis knew it was what ruined their relationship for Harry. He wanted someone he could love completely, and Louis he could only love half of the time. 

 

*** 

 

A week later Louis was finally forced to come out of the shadows and act like a civil human being. They had a radio interview that Louis was told he must attend, or there would be serious consequences. And before that he was being forced into a meeting, with the other lads. 

 

         Knowing he was going to have to see Harry and sit so near to him made Louis jittery the entire drive there. Liam had insisted on picking him up - though Louis wished he had of thought to go with Zayn, then at least he'd be able to enjoy a cigarette to calm his nerves. Liam had a strict no smoking ban in his mustang. 

 

         "It's going to be okay, Lou. You're going to see him and you're going to be fine," Liam reassured him as he reached out and patted his knee. Louis just turned to look out the window so Liam couldn't see the tears gathering and threatening to spill out over his cheeks. He absentmindedly wondered how many times someone could produce tears before they ran out. It seemed like he was getting to that point. Trying to calculate that was easier than thinking about being in the same room as Harry. 

 

          "You're going to be fine," Liam whipsered in a gentler voice and even Louis could tell he wasn't sure about it. Louis for one knew he wouldn't be fine. He wasn't fine now and he wouldn't be then and at this point it felt like the burning sensation in his throat and aching in his chest would never go away. Maybe missing Harry would eventually dull - but Louis didn't he'd be rid of the feeling. 

 

            "Louis..." Liam murmured. "Hey, Lou, we're here." 

 

            Louis' eyes snapped opened and he blinked a couple of times. He hadn't meant to completely zone out like that. Irritated that his mind was always a constant holding place for Harry to occupy his mind, he slammed the door of Liam's car and stormed up to the entrance of the building. But when he got to the door his hands started to tremble and his anger started to dissipate into something else. He was scared. Fucking scared to death of seeing Harry and that made everything worse. This was something he never anticipated between them. 

 

            And god bless Liam for always being there. He wrapped his arm around Louis' shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug. His fingers traced circles on Louis back, and other than Harry, there was no one who's hug could comfort him more than Liam's. He was just such a bloody good hugger that Louis got lost in it and completely forgot they were just standing outside of Modest! hugging like two morons. Until he heard someone say his name in a weak, equally broken voice. 

 

             He inhaled sharply, hearing his name being said in that deep, gruff voice. It was so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. He broke out of Liam's grasp and turned to face his ex boyfriend with a pit in his stomach. 

 

              "Harry." Louis had said his name a hundred times since they'd broken up weeks ago. He'd thought his name thousands of times. But saying it in his presence made it come out with a crack and he had to bite down on his lip forcefully, drawing a little blood, to keep from breaking down. 

 

              Harry just starred back at him with sad eyes and Louis noted that he looked just as miserable as Louis felt. But he wasn't naive enough to believe this meant that Harry wanted him back. He knew that Harry hated hurting him. He knew that he'd loved him, at one point, and breaking Louis' heart killed him. 

 

             The fact that Harry got to be upset only pissed Louis off and he suddenly turned and flung the door open, hurrying past the main desk and down the corridor to the room they'd sat countless times before. Why did everything feel so different now? 

 

             Louis didn't really listen much to the first part of the meeting. Someone droned on about tour dates and the new album promotion and their 1D Day idea coming to life in the next few months. Louis didn't really give a damn and just picked at a loose piece of thread on the arm on the chair, annoyed that Harry's scent reached his nose even from the other side of the room. Or maybe he was imagining it. Either way, it was fucking annoying. 

 

             "Louis? Are you listening?" 

 

              Suddenly all eyes were focused on him - except one pair - and he sat up a little straighter, returning the question with a blank stare. Someone sighed heavily. Louis didn't care. 

 

               "I said we're flying you out to Manchester to surprise Eleanor. We have to convince everyone you're still together - and your little  hiatus -" he said the word with such attitude, like Louis' world ending was such an inconvenience to him. "has really gotten a lot of people speculating. So you're going to arrive to her school with flowers like a good little boyfriend, got it?" 

 

                Louis nodded with indifference. It's not like he thought now that Harry dumped him that he'd all of a sudden get to drop the Eleanor act. That would be way too suspicious, even he knew that. He just hadn't even really thought about his fake girlfriend. He had bigger things on his mind. But whatever, he wasn't going to argue. It used to bug him to have to leave Harry to be with Eleanor. But he had no one to leave. What difference did it make now?  

 

             Apparently someone thought it made a difference, because the words "is this really necessary now?" were coming from Harry's mouth. The question gave Louis a mixture of emotions. On the one hand he was pissed of that Harry thought it was still his job to care about what Louis did and how he felt about it still. On the other hand... Well Louis just wanted to attack the perfect pink lips that the words escaped from. He wanted desperately to feel them on his own, like he had so many times before. 

 

             He decided to act on the prior emotion, rather than the latter because that would be crazy. So he found himself mustering all up the attitude and sass that he could in his heart broken state and hissed right back at Harry. "Excuse me, but do you really think this is your business? You're no longer involved in this, Harry."  By your choice, remember?  Louis wanted to tack on, but it would really take away from the whole bitchy comment, so he shut up. 

 

           The room was so silent you'd be able to hear a pin drop - a rare occasion when all five lads were in the same proximity. Liam and Niall's eyes were wide and Zayn looked like he had just eaten something funny. 

 

              Louis hated the stupid smirk spread across the head of their managements lips. It was a satisfied look - like he finally thought he had won. Louis considered the fact that him losing Harry may have been all this idiots fault, but he knew deep down no one ever forced him to go along with what they said. He could have walked away. Blaming him was less painful than blaming himself though, so he was still pretty fucking livid with the dude. 

 

             But none of their reactions compared to Harry's. He looked physcially  wounded . Like someone had just taken a knife and stabbed him in the chest with it. Louis hated that it made him feel a little better. 

 

              Louis just stared at him and for a couple of moments it felt like no one else was in the room. Just a severely jaded and bitter Louis, and a guilty Harry who desperately wanted Louis to not hate him. It stunned him how badly they had managed to fall apart in a matter of weeks. 

 

             "Well it's settled then," the head said in a sickening voice. "You'll go see Eleanor this weekend." 

 

             And Louis did just that. He went and made a big show of surprising Eleanor with what the magazine would be told was her favorite flowers. Louis in fact didn't actually know what her favorites were. Nor did he care. He put all his effort into looking loved up as they strolled around campus and laughed. Louis kissed her on the cheek and was positive someone snapped a picture. They went out to dinner. 

 

              Then they went back to her dorm room and Louis broke down and cried in her arms and Eleanor comforted him and even cried too, because she truly thought they were going to make it. Apparently everyone thought so, except Harry. 

 

             And the next few months flew by in a blur just like that. Louis and Eleanor became increasingly close, so much so that Louis actually looked forward to spending time with her. They mostly got drunk and bitched about the world and it was exactly what Louis needed at that point in his life. 

 

             In that time he got good at pretending to be fine. He got good at faking a friendship with Harry for the media, and being able to tease him during an interview, or joke around with him on stage. But he also got good at avoiding him as soon as the cameras were gone. He could now live on a tour bus with Harry and hardly share a look - let alone words - with him.              

 

             And maybe he got so god damn good at pretending to be fine that be convinced not only everyone else, but himself too. Maybe he started to believe he was going to be okay again. 

 

***

 

Or maybe he only thought he was convincing everyone. Because six months later, one night when Liam called Louis drunk to pick him up, he finally got to hear exactly what someone was thinking. 

 

            Liam's slurred words consisted of:  stop being such a scared little cunt, you're not fine and everyone knows it. You miss Harry and you're still in love with him. Be a man and admit it, because I hate seeing you so broken and torn up. Admit it, Louis! Fuck just admit it! Admit it!

 

             Louis didn't say anything the whole drive, except "think you can get up to your flat okay?" When he pulled up in front of Liam's building. 

 

            On the drive home he cried. Taking a shower he cried. Lying in bed that night he cried. He was still crying when he woke up the next morning. 

 

Admit it, Louis. Some part of you is still holding onto a belief that you and Harry are getting back together. 

 

          Liam's words rang through his head as he stared at the ceiling. Louis couldn't admit it, even if it were all true, because he was if he did, he'd go back to that pathetic mess that couldn't be in the same room with Harry without blubbering like a baby. Maybe he wasn't fine, maybe his heart literally felt like it was being ripped from his chest every second of every day. Maybe he felt like half a man, kind of there, but not quite. But all of that was better than being weak and letting Harry know how miserable he was. 

 

            But then again if Liam - and Eleanor, who admittedly agreed with everything Liam had screamed at him, except the cunt part - could see through his act, could everyone else really too? Could Harry?

 

            Louis read all of Liam's urgent apology texts but didn't bother to reply. Instead he grabbed the notebook he always kept by the side of his bed and did something he hadn't done in a long, long time. He tried to write a song. 

 

            And he did. He wrote many. 

 

*** 

 

Louis stared long and hard at his reflection smiling back at him. He relaxed the muscles in his face and then practiced the smile again. It looked a little more convincing, but it still didn't reach his eyes. Something he hadn't even realized it  did  until he noticed the Larry Shippers comparing old photos of him next to Harry to the photos he took now. He hadn't realized how poor of a job he had been doing convincing the world he was happy. 

 

           But then again, a happy person doesn't rehearse their smile in the mirror. 

 

            With that thought Louis let his face fall back into it's frown and started to focus on how he looked rather than the millions of emotions that could always be read from his face like an open book. He was wearing a pair of black skinny trousers paired with a snug white jumper that he rolled up his forearms. His hair was tossled precisely so; making it look like he'd just rolled out of bed rather than combed and waxed it for a solid twenty minutes. 

 

             "There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good," Louis said out loud to try and ignore the increasingly dangerous thought about how pathetic it was to still try and impress Harry. He was crazy to think that looking good - wearing a jumper Harry used to love him in - would make a difference tonight. His mind lawled back to the conversation he'd had with Liam two weeks ago, after Liam finally brought up what he said when he was drunk and called Louis out. 

 

"I know this is hard for you, Louis," Liam had said with such sympathy and pity that Louis wanted to hide under a rock and shelter the little remaining shred of pride he had. "Trust me, I get it, Lou. But don't you think it's time you started to let go and move on?" 

 

           "I  have let go, Liam," Louis had replied back with a bitter bark. "Harry and I are over. I got it loud and clear and I've completely let go of any notion that we will be getting back together." 

 

            "Then why are you still  dating  Eleanor? Why haven't you put an end to that?" 

 

             Louis opened his mouth quickly to respond but no words came out and he eventually just clamped it shut again. It was a rarity for him not to have a sassy response to any question, but the words bounced around in his brain and made Louis actually consider what Liam was saying. 

 

            Eventually he just murmured that he was doing it to keep their image up and suspicions at bay. It was a cop out answer and Liam knew it. 

 

             "As long as you're pretending you're with Eleanor you can't move on, Louis. You're stuck in the past still hiding and it's not healthy anymore. How are you supposed to move on and meet someone when the entire world is convinced you're so happy and loved up in your heterosexual relationship?" 

 

             "How am I supposed to  meet somebody- " even saying the words cut at him like a blade because he couldn't fathom a situation where he was actually involved with anyone that wasn't the curly haired, green eyed boy he'd fallen so helplessly in love with. He took a deep breath and continued. "When I can't let anyone actually know I'm gay, Liam?" 

 

             "You start by getting management to terminate her contract. You start by annoucing you're single and then after that I guess you just figure it out."

 

             "Figure it out..." Louis had echoed thoughtfully before switching the conversation to a different path - discussing Liam's pending plans to propose to Danielle. Because Louis was a sucker for a romantic happy ending, and just because his story had been a tradegy did not mean he couldn't enjoy the happiness of his friends. 

 

           But Louis knew Liam was right - as he so often annoyingly was. That's why all week they had worked on a termination clause in the contract and by tomorrow morning, Louis Tomlinson would be single. Well, he'd been single for nearly nine months by now, but he'd be out of his fake relationship. He was very conflicted about it though. In the past eight months Eleanor had become one of his best friends. He wished he had realized how much fun they could have had together if he hadn't rebelled so much about being around her. Since his break up with Harry everything had been different. He had lost his absolute best friend in the entire world with Harry. And while he was still as close with the other lads and loved them just as much as he had before, it was different. Because they were Harry's best friends too. He didn't have to share Eleanor. He could bitch about Harry without making everyone uncomfortable and in the middle of things. 

 

           After three years of "dating" it would be hard to hangout with Eleanor in public and still convince the world they weren't back together. 

 

            He'd had to figure that out, but he knew he couldn't hide behind his beard forever. It wasn't fair to Eleanor either - she couldn't exactly date anyone while being his girlfriend. It was time to admit that they had no reason to date anymore, because they no longer had anything to hide. 

 

            At first he had groaned when Zayn and Liam and Niall told him he had no choice but to attend dinner and celebrate their album reaching number one. All  five of them had to be there, meaning Harry as well. But he had worked hard on the album. He had a part in writing over half of the album and had thrown all his emotions into it. One of the songs he'd written that night made it on the album - Half A Heart. He felt kind of weird, having all of them singing a song he wrote about his breakup with Harry. But it was bloody murder singing songs he'd written before when he and Harry were still together. 

 

           And a small part of him was excited to spend the night together, all five of them. He was excited to tell them all about how he and Eleanor were done and he hoped maybe Harry would even get that proud little smirk on his face that he used to when Louis did something big. He was ridiculous and hopeless and would probably die alone, but he still loved Harry a whole fucking lot, and he really did still believe Harry could love him too. He just needed to see that Louis was ready to be with him completely now. So he spritzed himself with a musky cologne and practiced his smile one last time - because Harry had always loved his smile. Then his reflection willed himself good luck. 

 

         Louis knew a miracle wouldn't happen and he and Harry wouldn't be getting back together  tonight . But to hope for baby steps wouldn't be completely crazy. Maybe a shared smiled and a few old inside jokes. Louis could handle that. 

 

***

 

The first time Louis saw her, he knew. 

 

           From the moment she walked into the room wearing a sleak  black dress and red high heels, he just knew. Louis knew that she was beautiful and soft and her hair was shiny and caught the light in the prettiest way. He knew she smelled of strawberries and her lips were lightly coated with gloss making them look look extra kissable. She was half way across the room but Louis could just tell that she was feminine and dainty and sweet. 

 

          Louis just knew she was the type you could fall for in an instant. The kind of girl you wanted to bring home to your mum and the type of girl you wanted to kiss in front of everyone so they knew she was yours. The kind that make you forget about the stupid insecure boy you'd once thought you were in love with. 

 

         If, in fact, you were interested in girls. Which Louis was not. 

 

         But Harry was. 

 

         When he saw them together he thought he might just die from the immense shattering of his heart. How many times could someone be broken before it was too much? 

 

         Harry's hand was placed lightly on her waist, a smile on his face as he leaned in and kissed her temple. There was a significant height difference - she was probably the same height as Louis. She swatted Harry's hand away and turned to him, grinning like a child on Christmas. Someone across the restaurant snapped a picture with their iPhone. The flash didn't make Harry flinch or pull away from her. Because there was nothing wrong with it, in anyones eyes. It was normal and might even be able to put a stop to all the Larry rumors floating around. 

 

         "Katie," Harry called out, beckoning her back after she'd forgotten to check her coat. Louis knew at that moment. He knew from the way her name rolled of Harry's tongue. He had been replaced. 

 

           The worst part was that she was a girl. Louis always knew gender was just a non issue for Harry. He loved who he loved and accepted what came along with it. Louis knew that Harry was capable of falling in love with a female. Louis had just never believed he would get the chance, because he never pictured a world where Harry would love anyone but him. Seeing them together... You could just tell he was in love. 

 

            Louis had never grown dislike for someone so quickly. He resented that she was able to give him something that he never could. And it wasn't a heterosexual relationship or a family someday. Harry didn't mind missing out on those types of things for Louis. But she could give him the truth. A real, honest relationship where he didn't have to constantly feel like he was doing something wrong. They could go smiling hand in hand on the red carpet and everyone could know and Harry could be proud of what they had. 

         Which is exactly what he wanted with Louis. All Harry had ever wanted was to be allowed to love Louis. And he hadn't let him...but she did. 

 

             "I have to go," Louis announced suddenly as he quickly stood up from his seat. Coming out to dinner was a stupid idea. Being anywhere near Harry was a stupid idea, really. The boys all gave him a puzzled look before turning over their shoulders and then realization dawned over them. Louis didn't give them the chance to say anything, just dodged tables to get to the back entrance of the restaurant before Harry saw him. He just had to get out of there before he threw up all over the ugly brown carpet. 

 

          The fresh air enveloped him and he inhaled it deeply, cursing himself for not carrying any smokes with him. He took short, shallow breaths and tried to remind himself that he was okay. His mind was cruel and kept drifting back to the ridiculous notion he'd developed earlier that night, thinking he had a chance of winning Harry over again. It was all so stupid now.  

 

            "Louis," his name was called from Liam's voice. Louis didn't even bother turning around. He kept staring up at the night sky, trying to find some kind of pattern in the stars. "I didn't know she was coming," he promised desperately. Louis thought back to all the convincing Liam had done to get him here. He had promised it'd be fun, just like old times. 

 

             Why would Harry bring her to their dinner of  five ? Their bloody album celebration. Was he trying to kill Louis? 

 

            Louis pulled on his jacket and turned to look at Liam. "But you did know about her?" 

 

            Liam's expression answered for him. "He introduced us to her a couple of weeks ago. She and Danielle hit it off, so we hung out a few times." Liam sounded so guilty and apologetic that Louis had to sigh. 

 

           "It's fine, you're his friend too, I get it." It all made sense now, why Liam had been so adamant about him moving on. Because he knew Harry already had. 

 

            "I'm really sorry." 

 

          Louis nodded, his lips in a straight line as he crossed his arms over his shoulder. "Who is she?" 

 

           "Her name is Katherine. She's a model and is friends with one of Nick's friends. I guess they met at a party or something." 

 

            "How long?" Louis choked out. 

 

           "A couple of weeks or something... Louis-" 

 

          "Liam, just... Just stop okay? I'm just going to head home. I don't need you to lecture me or be there for me or whatever. Just to back inside. Tell them I'm sick or something, okay? If you want to be a good friend and help me then...just, please? Tell them?"

 

            "Okay, okay I will," Liam agreed with a sad look before he turned and headed back into the restaurant. Louis hailed a taxi but instead of giving them his home address he sputtered out the name of a local bar.

 

              He had spent the next hour sitting alone at the bar, trying to drink Harry off his mind. Though he knew that was impossible, because he'd gotten pretty fucking blasted over the past couple of months, and no matter what, those green eyes were always the first thing he pictured when he closed his own. 

 

             How was it possible to just stop loving someone? Louis couldn't understand, because even though it had been nearly ten fucking months since they broke up...every shattered beat that his heart pumped belonged to Harry. His heart was filled with him and only him. And Louis couldn't imagine that changing. Hadn't Harry once felt the same way about him? 

 

           With each drink he ordered, he became more and more angry with Harry. All this time he had blamed himself for not giving Harry exactly what he needed from their relationship... But eventually it would have been all over. The fame would fade, or their fan base would mature, and then everyone could know the truth. If he just had of been patient and waited... They could still be together and they could be happy. 

 

            But Harry just gave up on him and found someone else, just like that. Louis had loved Harry with everything he could - he would have followed Harry anywhere, done anything for him. He would have went through it all to be with Harry. 

 

           But Harry just gave up on him. 

           Maybe it was time Louis finally gave up on Harry. 

 

           And through all the shit he'd dealt with in the last ten months, that realization was more painful than anything else. 

 

***

 

Louis had worked really hard on the song. Really,  really  hard. While his best mates spent the last couple of months they were on break partying and hanging out and going on dates, Louis worked on the song. He re-wrote the chorus about ten times, trying to make sure he got every last note right. It was the first song he'd ever done completely on his own - before writers would sit down with them and pick their brains apart and help them coherently say what they were trying. 

 

          But this was  Louis . He started to believe over the two months he worked on it, that he and the song were one sole entity. It was all he really had left. Even Liam had stopped inviting him out by now, knowing that he'd be rejected everytime. 

 

           Louis anxiously picked at the comforter as the last few notes of the song he'd secretly recorded trailed out and the room grew silent. Eleanor turned to him with a huge smile and tears pricking her eyes. Louis felt his entire body relax at her reaction. 

 

         "Lou...it's...it's so beautiful," she said simply while shaking her head back and forth in awe. "Almost makes me wish we were still together so you could write a song about me," she joked while reaching for his hand, trying to lighten the mood. 

 

         Louis felt his lips curl up into a natural smile. "Yeah, because our relationship evoked so many emotions inside me," Louis teased, pinching her side. 

 

         "What are you trying to say?" Eleanor mocked shock, covering her mouth as an animated gasp escaped her lips. "You never loved me?" 

 

         Louis just smiled back, all serious. "I love you, now. In a different way, but I do. You're the only person who never gave up on me. Even after all the times I was cranky with you." 

 

         Eleanor gave the hand he held another tight squeeze. "Love you, too," she murmured. "I saw how much you loved him everyday - I can't blame you for being broken." 

 

         Louis swallowed the thick lump in his throat and nodded. 

 

         "But that doesn't mean you can't be fixed, Lou. You're not a lost cause. And hey, if the only thing that came from your relationship was this song - well it created something truly beautiful." 

 

         And Louis smiled at her once again. "Thank you," he murmured sincerely. "Want to listen to it again?" 

 

         And they did. Again and again on repeat as they curled up with each other and Louis remembered moments with Harry and they laughed and cried. 

 

              Louis still loved Harry. He knew better than to think the intense feelings would just go away. But Louis was  done ... So fucking done waiting around for Harry to love him back. He had finally grown to realize that he deserved better. 

 

             Giving up on Louis seemed like the easiest thing in the world. Giving up on Harry took an entire year, many drunken nights, and an ocean full of tears. 

 

            But it didn't matter, really. Louis had finally gotten there. 

 

***

 

"And her butt in that dress? Gross, your ass is so much better and you're not even a girl." 

 

         Louis chuckled lightly at Eleanor's catty comments about Harry's girlfriend. Though he knew she had good intentions, it really wasn't helping him very much. He really just wanted to not think about Harry or what's her face at all. Especially since Eleanor was totally lying and she looked bloody fantastic. But he didn't say anything, because he apprecaited Eleanor just being here so much.

 

           He knew it was probably not the best idea to ask her to a super big event like this. But it was the first one since he'd found out about Harry having a girlfriend -  Katie , he forced himself to think. Liam had Sophia, Zayn had Perrie and Niall had Barbara. He would have been completely alone to wallow in his own self pity. At least with El he had someone to keep him company.

 

            He'd have to deal with the rumors of them getting back together in the morning. For now it was worth it to have her by his side.

 

           By now even the Larry shipping had stopped. Not because all of a sudden everyone started believing what they were told too - quite the opposite. The Larry shippers had always been good at seeing things for what they truly were, even they could detect the awkward tension between the two, or the slow detachment Louis was showing towards Harry. They could also see how loved up Harry actually was with Katie. 

 

         So he wasn't really sure how Elounor rumors were going to affect that everything, really. Liam was the only person he even told he was bringing her too. Not any of their management or the other boys.  Liam had thought it was a really weird idea - but he had said if it was going to make Louis happy, then whatever. 

 

***

 

The night was going fairly smoothly in Louis' opinion. So far he had managed to pretty much avoid Harry the whole time, spending most of it either sitting at a table with Eleanor, sipping on fruity cocktails or up on the dance floor together. Though he could constantly feel Harry's glare on his back, eyes narrowed as he studied Eleanor and Louis together.

 

         He also noticed Harry had been spending a  lot of time by the bar. Not that he was paying any attention to Harry or what he and Katie did of course. Because he didn't care... not really, anyway.

 

         Okay, so maybe he cared a little. Or a lot. Sue him. 

 

         Eleanor served as the constant distraction he needed, bless her. Whenever he seemed to look Harry's away she would force him to stop, dragging him into some stupid conversation. She really was a very good friend. Louis regretted all the greif he'd given her in the past.

 

         But she had gone to the toilet a while ago and now Louis was left alone with his thoughts which were slightly hazy from the alcohol. 

 

         Harry looked  good tonight. He always looked good to Louis, but tonight especially -maybe it was the fact that it had been so long, or that with a slight buzz he let himself actually look at him, which he usually tried to restrict himself of. He was a pathetic loser but Harry in a suit still got his whole body buzzing with some sort of yearning. All he wanted to do was prance up to Harry, grab ahold of him and kiss him exactly like he used too. Louis knew what Harry liked - knew his body and every spot of it that could drive him wild. He could show Harry exactly what he was missing this past year -

 

         But those thoughts were crazy. Harry was here with his bloody girlfriend.

 

         Where the fuck was Eleanor, anyway? What was taking her so long... Louis needed to find her before he did something completely stupid. 

 

         He found her in the corridor where the loo was. Of course with his stinking luck she wasn't alone, standing there instead talking to none other than Mr fucking Styles. 

 

         "What, your bank account running low? Couldn't wait for another chance to exploit Lou for some money?" He caught Harry sneering at Eleanor. The comment made his blood boil - who did he honestly think he was, getting himself involved in Louis' life and speaking to her like that? But his knees felt a little weak, blood rushing to his head - it had been so long since he'd called him Lou....

 

         "If you have a problem with Eleanor being here, then take it up with  me and not her." 

 

        Harry's blazing hot gaze switched from the bewildered girl to Louis. " Yeah I have a problem with it"  Harry literally spat at him. Louis resisted the urge to wipe his cheek. "God when are you going to stop pretending? Be your fucking  self,  you coward. Stop hiding behind a contract." 

 

         Louis simply rolled his eyes and remained calm, mostly because he knew Harry and knew the gesture would drive him mad. "Eleanor is here because I want her to be here, because we like spending time together. I could explain myself further but quite frankly there's no need to, as  you Harry have made it quite clear I'm no longer relevant to you. So who I bring to functions should be equally irrelevant." The words were precise and annuciated, falling from his tongue with perfect rhythm. They were meant to make Harry feel as equally small and pathetic as Louis did. If they caused even a fraction of the pain Louis endured, well then at least he'd left some kind of mark. 

 

          Harry was stunned for a few beats, just blinking back at Louis through his half drunk daze. Then his face clouded with the same anger from before. "So what you're dating her now? Ironic. You don't even  like  girls." 

 

         "Kindly fuck off," Louis retorted, clenching his fists as he tried to maintain his indifferent demeanour. He glanced at Eleanor who looked like she wanted to get out of there and Louis felt terrible. It was time she stopped witnessing their fights. 

 

         "No you fuck off, Louis. Screw you!" Harry hissed and Louis wanted to laugh because what on earth did  he have to be mad about, anyway? "Is this supposed to make me jealous? Grow up and move on. I'm with Katie now. Stop being so pathetic." 

 

            It was the alcohol in his system, when he was drunk his emotions took over and he said whatever he could to make himself feel in control of them. Louis knew this because god damn it he knew Harry like the back of his hand. He'd been the victim of those slurred insults before. But this time was different. This time every bit of anger Louis had been feeling for the past year bubbled to the surface and was making his skin burn. Louis couldn't control his movements, couldn't stop his hands from pressing against Harry's chest and shoving him with every ounce of strength he had in him. 

 

          And doing it felt good.  Great.  And Harry's expression - a mix of regret and anger - made it all the better. But Harry quickly recovered and shoved Louis even harder - the much bigger lad sent him straight to the floor with a loud thud. But he wasn't done there as he pounced onto Louis and let his fist collide with his cheekbone. Once, twice, a third time. All Louis could feel was shooting pain and throbbing. All he could hear was Eleanor crying out for Harry to stop. 

 

            "You're going to hurt him!" She yelled and Louis could hear the tremble of tears in her voice. 

 

            Harry turned to glare at her, his fist still clutching the collar of Louis' shirt. "Like you even fucking care about him. Like he's not just a pay check to you!" 

 

           "All those nights I stayed up with him while he cried over  you I didn't get paid. I've fucking cared about him a lot more than you have in the past year, Harry." 

 

            Harry's eyes slipped back to Louis and his mouth hung agape. Louis could see it in his shimmering green irises as it dawned on him what he was doing. His shaking hand dropped the fabric of Loios shirt but he stayed sitting on top of him. "Lou-" he begin but was cut off. 

 

           "Harry! What are you doing?" Katie whimpered from behind them. Louis could just make out her lower body, the rest blocked by Harry's shoulder. 

 

            He finally slid off Louis and starred at Katie. "I...I'm..." He stammered. 

 

           Katie's eyes shifted from Louis to Eleanor and then she paled. "What's going on, Harry?" 

 

           Louis didn't move from the ground, just patiently waited for Harry to stammer his way out of this. If Katie knew Harry at all, she would know he had a nasty jealous streak. 

 

            "Nothing," Harry lied quickly. "Just...we...lets get out of here, okay?" 

 

** 

 

Louis woke up the next morning with a throbbing head and half swollen left eye. He blinked a bit and discovered from his surroundings that he wasn't in his bedroom. Upon further inspection he deduced it was Liam's flat. He lay on his leather couch with Eleanor snoozing on a fouton across the room. 

 

            Louis slowly sat up, his head spinning in the process. 

 

           "Hello there," Liam murmured from where he leaned against the door frame, a mug in his hand with steam curling from the top. "Coffee?" 

 

           Louis nodded and tried to mumble a thank you but it came out more as a moan. He cleared his throat. "Um, how did I get here?" 

 

             "I figured you wouldn't remember anything," Liam tried to chuckle. His voice was filled with pity and disappointment. Louis hated both of those. Especially from Liam. 

 

         That wasn't truth, though. Louis  did remember. He remembered fighting with Harry and then watching him leave with Katie. Then he remembered stalking off to the bar and... from there it got fuzzy. 

 

           Louis sighed heavily as he took the mug from Liam's outstretched hands. "El?" 

 

           "You're a lucky, lad," Liam said simply. "Not all girls would follow your ass around all night as you threw back shots and whined about your ex. She took care of you all night, even when you got out of hand. I helped her get you here. It was late so I told her she might as well stay." 

 

           Louis nodded. His eyes fell to his phone on the coffee table - it was lit up with a text message from  don't call him . His whole body went ridgid as he forced himself to reach for it. His eyes scanned the words and he imagined Harry retyping the message multiple times while Katie took a shower, trying to get it just right. 

 

          "I'm so sorry," Louis read aloud to Liam. "God Louis I hate what this has come to. I hate that I hurt you and I continue to do so over and over again. What I said last night was rubbish. I was drunk and stupid and you were right. If you like hanging out with Eleanor, it's none of my business. Not anymore. I can't believe I hit you. I'm so fucking sorry. We need to figure something out. We always swore we'd never let anything get in the way of the band or our friendships. But we have, and we need to fix it enough that we can be in the same room together. I understand if you don't want to right away, but can we at least meet up soon to talk? xx, Haz." 

 

            "He's right, Louis," Liam said when he finished reading. "This has got to end...if we want to stay a band, it has too." 

 

           Louis didn't have words to answer. He knew Liam was right. So when he opened his mouth the words "do you want to hear a song I wrote?" tumbled out. 

 

         Liam's eyebrows knitted together. He opened his mouth to say something then shut it again. "Um... yeah, sure."

 

         Louis nodded slowly, rummaging around his pockets until he found his iPod. Wordlessly he scrolled through until he found what he was looking for. He pressed play and set the phone onto the coffee table.

 

          The slow piano chords began. "Say something, I'm giving up on you," Louis' hollow voice filled the empitness of the flat. He had to close his eyes, over come with emotion. "I'll be the one if you want me too. Anywhere, I would have followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you."

 

         He kept his eyes cast downward on his fumbling hands - refusing to check the expression on Liam's face. It had been hard playing the song for El - but this was so much different now. He had shut himself off from Liam and the other lads. This song, his words, were like a clear view into his brain and all the pain and suffering he'd been through. It was hard to watch someone processing that. 

 

         "And I am feeling so small, it was over my head, I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl. Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you. And I will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye."

 

         Louis swallowed hard as the chorus started up again, listening to his desperate voice proclaim all of his feelings. 

 

         The song ended and Liam was silent for a long moment, still starring down at the phone even though the music had stopped. 

 

         "I wrote that 2 months ago. Or that's when I started it. Harry's not mine anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. I know that and I know he won't ever be again. I've given him chance after chance to  say  something but he hasn't. I was ready to be with him forever, and I really would have followed him anywhere. But I've lost him, and its time I finally give up on him. I know all that." 

 

           "Louis-" 

 

           "Just...don't say anything, okay? I can't sit here and tell you I'm okay with any of this or that I don't still love him. But I can tell you I've given up." 

 

              Liam looked thoughtful for a moment, like he was contemplating listening or not. Finally he whispered "The song is really beautiful, Lou." 

 

              Louis thanked him softly, pretending not to hear the wavering of tears in his best mate's voice. 

 

***

 

The doorbell ringing jolted Louis awake. He wasn't expecting anyone - especailly not at... what time was it? He slid his hand around his bed, searching for his cell phone. Two am, no he certainly wasn't expecting anyone this late, or early.

 

            He was tempted to just ignore whoever it is - they could piss off, really. Louis was still kind of hung over from the night before, and he really just wanted to sleep. But they'd have to be pretty close for said person to get past the doorman, so Louis forced himself out of bed and trudged to the front door.

 

            His breath caught as soon as he sees the messy curls through the peephole. Messy curls and green eyes and a strong jaw and... just  Harry.  What the hell was he doing here? Louis reached up to press his fingers against the tender bruises forming along his cheek, wincing at the memory more than the sting.

 

          Louis straightened himself up and took a deep breath. He was a big boy... he could  handle having a conversation with Harry... at two am. Yes, he could surely handle this. 

 

           "Hi," He said as the door swung open. Harry looked up from his shoes suddenly, eyes wide like he never really expected to see Louis. "I guess you want to come in?"

 

           Harry just nodded eagerly, running a hand through his hair and making his springy curls stand up on end. It was weird to see Harry with his hair hanging down in his face, it almost makes him look like the same sixteen year old Louis first met back in the X factor days. The one with the boyish charm and the coy smirk that always made Louis' stomach do somersaults. 

 

         Thinking about the young boy he fell in love with is not a safe topic though, so he brought himself back to the present and stared at the now twenty year old Harry who should feel like a stranger to him. 

 

          "Louis..." Harry murmured softly. He took a second to let his eyes scan the place for a moment, probably taking in all the details Louis had changed since Harry had last stood inside the flat. That day is another topic that's not safe for Louis - so he brushed past it quickly. 

 

         "Harry..." Louis replied, his voice a mere octave of a whisper. "What are you doing here?" 

 

          "Liam played your song for me," he answered, licking his lips with an unreadable expression.

 

          Louis could feel his entire body run cold, feeling like someone sent a punch straight to his gut. It hadn't even been twenty four bloody hours and Liam had already went and betrayed his trust like that? The song wasn't meant for Harry's ears! Not yet at least... maybe years down the road when Louis was strong enough to be in the same room with him without stumbling over his words and having nervous flutters in his stomach. 

 

          "He wasn't... I'm sorry, he wasn't supposed to do that. You weren't supposed to ever hear it - I understand if you're mad-" 

 

           Harry took a step closer, his eyes filled with something that Louis couldn't  identify. His fingers reached out hesitantly, feeling their way along Louis' jaw, hovering over the bruises that he had caused. He leaned in closer and Louis had suddenly lost the ability to breathe because it had been way too long since Harry had been this close, or touched him like that. 

 

           Harry inched closer and Louis caught the smell off the breath that fanned his face. It was heavy with alcohol. The moment shattered like glass and Louis finally realized what the hell he was letting happen. With outstretched arms and a slight force he pushed Harry backwards, creating much needed space between their bodies.     

 

          "Harry... stop," Louis hissed.

 

           "I love you." The words tumbled from perfectly plump pink lips and they completely took away Louis' ability to function. It didn't count, and he knew that. It didn't count because Harry was drunk and he had a girlfriend. But still... It was Harry saying he loved him. 

 

           He had no right to do this to him. 

 

             "No, Harry! Fuck you! fuck you, Harry! You don't get to just waltzed in here when you're bloody drunk and tell me that you love me! It's not fair, it's not fucking fair!" The words tumbled from Louis' mouth at an alarming rate, giving him no chance to think them through. It made every syllable sound raw and real, so hauntingly broken. "You broke my heart, Harry. You've broken it a hundred times, a hundred different ways. You literally shattered me, so no, you don't get to tell me that you love me, not when you have a girlfriend and not when you're drunk." 

 

         There were thick tears in his the corners of his eyes as he took a step closer to Louis. The scent of Harry overwhelmed Louis' nostrils and its so familiar and so distant at the same time. Harry's hand reached out for Louis' arm and the touch burned through his jumper, causing him to flinch a little at the sudden sensation. He refused to look at Harry, exaggeratedly turning the other way. 

 

          "Louis, Lou, Lou..." Harry whimpered desperately, his finger nails digging in harder now as his voice trembled. "Lou," he squeaked out a final time and Louis couldn't help himself as he finally looked into the green eyes just inches from his own. 

 

         "Harry..." Louis whispered back, his face contorted with pain and making an effort not to give into the curly haired sweet smelling boy pleading for his attention. 

 

         "I'm sorry." Harry has said it before. Said it the night we left Louis alone for the first time. Said it every time he looked into Louis' eyes and saw the sadness for the couple of weeks after. Said it the day after Louis first saw his new girlfriend. Said it in a sloppy worded text one night when he was drunk and just felt guilty. Said it after beating him up last night.

 

         But this is the first time he's said it like that. Before it was "I'm sorry I hurt you." Now, as Louis listened to the ache in his voice and saw the broken look in his eyes, he heard something completely different. I'm sorry I left you. 

 

         And it's nearly enough for Louis to melt against his touch, fall into his arms and back into the easy pattern of being his boyfriend. Nearly. 

 

          Harry is still drunk. Harry still belongs to someone else - a concept that still doesn't sit right in Louis' mind. So for those reasons alone, Louis has to be strong. 

 

         Louis opened his mouth to tell Harry to go but the next thing he knows a heart wrenching "I forgive you" is on his tongue and then it's out, hanging in the inches between them. Louis doesn't know how that happened but its the first time he's said it after Harry apologizes. And somehow he means it.  

 

         Upon this news, Harry wastes no time. His lips are glued to Louis', viciously prodding at them to open up and give him some sort of reaction back. His teeth sink into Louis' bottom one just as his hand reaches up to cup his jaw. The other rests firmly on his lower back, pulling him closer and closer. 

 

         Louis stays completely still for a few beats before something is awoken in him and holy shit he is kissing Harry. It's not like old times, it's desperate and urgent and suddenly they're clinging to each other as Louis makes up for the months - thirteen of them - that he's been waiting for this again. Harry is not gentle at all, forceful actually. He's pushing Louis against the wall and gripping him so tightly there will surely be marks left on his skin in the morning. Louis is glad of this - it'll be like little purple dots of proof that this wasn't just his subconious torturing him. This actually happened - was happening. 

 

           Harry began to walk forward, causing Louis to stumble backwards, the two entangled the entire time. They fall back against the couch and Louis can't think about anything except the feel of  Harry. Underneath the rum, there's still the familiar taste of his mouth that Louis used to crave. His curls feel silky between Louis fingers. 

 

           The whole thing is familiar and new at the same time. It's Louis and Harry. Harry and Louis. The way it always should have been.

 

            Harry murmured things against his skin, between kisses peppered all over his body. Things like  I missed you, I missed this. I love you, Louis. God I love you so fucking much.  And  I'm sorry, I'm sorry I hit you. I was jealous. You're mine, always mine, hear me?

 

           Louis fell  asleep on Harry's chest, lulled by his pulsing heartbeat and for the first time in what feels like forever, he's okay. He's really,  really  okay. 

 

***

 

It doesn't last long, though. Because the next morning he wakes up to a cold and empty bed, like every other morning. The stillness haunts him and for a few moments he wonders if it was all just one fantastic dream. Or a terrible nightmare, depending on which angle you look at it from. 

 

            But there's a scattering of reddish purple marks, bitten into his skin. They're tender and they serve as a definite evidence that the night before had actually happened. 

 

You're mine, always mine, you hear me? 

 

           Louis had eagerly agreed, promising himself to Harry as he sunk his teeth into his shoulder blade. He was always Harry's, constantly there whenever he wanted him. But Harry hadn't said anything about him belonging to Louis. Of course not, because Harry was someone else's. Someone he was probably lying in bed with right now. 

 

             Louis couldn't help but sink his fingernails into the love bite against his collarbone. The stupid little red marks were  a haunting proof. Proof that for one moment Louis had stupidly let himself believe again. He had let himself get caught up in words and hollow promises,  I love you 's and kisses and feelings he had shied away from long ago. He had believed in Harry again. 

 

            He could almost feel the literal shattering of his heart as he found himself right back to square one. Heart broken and missing Harry. 

 

Always missing Harry. 

 

***

 

It's three days later when Louis hears the news. From a bloody gossip magazine, of all places. He could see the sparkling rock on her left hand, circled by Perez in a picture of the  lovely couple taking an afternoon stroll around LA. 

 

             It's in that moment that Louis decided it's really over.. He knows it's really time. He's been wrestling with the idea for months, knowing that this was no longer what he wanted. But something always held him back, so undeniable force that refused to let him pull away. 

 

            But now when he thinks about it there's only one answer. None of this is worth the pain anymore. He's worn out and tired and his life which used to be so fun, make him feel on too of the world... Well now it's just this giant source of stress and misery. He's so tired of it and his mind is made to, he doesn't even stumble over his words when he tells them.  

 

             Liam, Zayn and Niall stare at him with sad but not shocked expressions. Still Niall begs him to reconsider. Begs him until there are shaky tears in his voice - Louis can't see them gathering in his eyes because his own are closed. Niall pleads until Zayn whispers for him to stop and Louis thinks Zayn might be crying too. And then Louis is crying as well and they're all sitting in his flat crying over memories and times well spent, and Louis hates that he has to leave his three best friends but he doesn't even reconsider for a second and that's when he knows its time. 

 

             Niall's laugh levels out as he recounts a time Louis did something stupid - Louis wasn't really listening, just enjoying the sound of his friends happiness. Then the silence settles over them again. "This doesn't feel right. Someone is missing, we're not a group of four, we're a group of five." 

 

               "Niall," Liam says in a harsh warning voice. 

 

               "No, he's right," Louis agrees as he shakes his head. "We're supposed to be a group of five. We were from the beginning.  But we're not anymore. Not really. We're two separate groups of four because Harry and I are too fucked up to be in a room together. We should have never gotten together in the first place, then nothing would have changed. God I wish we hadn't." 

 

            Zayn was looking at him meaningfully. "Do you mean that, mate? You really wish you never got with Harry?" Zayn had a way of seeing past whatever bulldhit Louis spewed out. 

 

           They were all looking at him expectantly and Louis didn't see the point in lying. 

 

            "No." His murmured. "I don't, not really. I wish everything hasn't turned to shit. I wish he hadn't broken me again and again. But I don't wish we never got together, because falling in love with Harry was the best thing I ever did." 

 

            "I'm sorry," Liam whispered. The sound surprised Louis because it's not sympathy, it sounds like guilt. 

 

           Louis half snorted, half chuckled. "What on earth have you got to be sorry for, Li?" 

 

           Liam shrugged slowly, feigning indifference though his eyes were holding so much more behind them. He inhaled deeply. "I don't know," he sighed. "There's just.. Sometimes when I see you and how much you're suffering it's just...  There's days I feel so guilty, I can't stop blaming myself sometimes for your misery because I  saw  it coming. As much as I wanted to believe your love for each other would be enough, deep down I was always fearful of the reckless way you guys loved each other. There was no caution, you fought and made up and did it all over without thinking about the way it would affect you in the long run. You guys loved with everything you had - burning passion and jealousy and all that. I often wondered if it could ever just burn out and crash within itself. And then it did and I never warned you before hand, never tried to stop it - and for that I will always feel guilty.. I guess it's fitting, in a way, that I lose the band and my best mate over it." 

 

          "You're not losing me, Li. I... I've been a shit friend but you're never going to lose me. And... You can't blame yourself. Even if you voiced your concerns we never would have listened, Li. It was the way Harry and I were. We loved each other from the word go - we didn't know any other way. But the circumstances didn't agree with it. The life we lived wasn't able to nurture our love - it blindly destroyed it. We destroyed ourselves...or at least I did. And there's a lot of things about what happened that I'd change. Like a big fuck you to management - because we're the biggest band in the world, like they said we would be - but it doesn't matter in the long run because I'm not happy. But I wouldn't change the way we loved each other. Those fights and make ups and moments of weakness and strength and every other moment where we gave it all we had - those are the best memories and I wouldn't trade them for anything."            

 

             Everyone stayed silent. The only sound was the leather creaking as Niall slid towards Louis and engulfed him in a hug. It wasn't long before the others joined in, and they all lay there like that, wrapped up in each other, tangling their limbs and clinging on because they knew when they broke apart it would all be over. 

 

           It was nice, the feeling of his friends surrounding him. But it was still so obvious that one pair of lanky arms was missing. And that's why Louis knew he had to leave, because One Direction wasn't One Direction without HarryandLouis. 

 

***

 

Louis had been trying to convince himself that it was possible Harry had been drunk enough to forget all the promises from him while they made love. But now with him standing there, awkwardly unable to make eye contact, it was clear he was well aware. 

 

             "What are you doing here?" Louis demanded as his grip tightened on the door knob. "What fucking nerve do you have showing up here, again?" 

 

            "I.. Fuck, I'm sorry Louis." 

 

           The words weren't enough. Nothing could be enough to made up for the permanent ache Louis felt. 

 

            "I wanted you to know..." Harry continued. "I know you've probably heard already and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I thought I should explain. I thought I at least owed you that much." This man was a complete stranger to Louis. His Harry would never do this to him or anyone. He cared about people and hated hurting them. 

 

            Louis was really now just realizing how far apart they had grown. 

 

              He owed him a hell of a lot more than that, and Louis wanted to hit him so bad his fingers curled into a fist. "I'm happy for you," he said instead. 

 

         "Happy for me?" Harry said flatly. 

 

         Louis nodded with a shrug. What more did Harry want? 

 

         "That's all you're going to say? You quit the bad over us and all you have to say is you're happy for me?" 

 

         Louis pursed his lips. "Look, Harry... I don't know what you came here expecting. Me to grovel for you? It's not going to happen. So I guess you can just leave..." 

 

          "That's not what I want!" Harry argued. "I just...I want my best mate back. I thought maybe if you actually told me what you're thinking, we could work through it and you would be my best man." 

 

             Louis snorted. "Well, isn't that rich, Harry. The best man...the one you used to fuck every night? The best man you claimed to be in love with still, just days before you're proposal? The best man who once upon a time was supposed to be the other fucking groom?" The last part ripped through his throat, the words burning with memories of plans they made. 

 

           All the little details of their lives that they had mapped out together. Once upon a time Harry had admitted to absentmindedly thought up vows while lathering himself in the shower. 

 

             Now he would be writing vows for someone else. 

 

            This was all too much. 

 

          "No thanks, Harry. I think I'll pass."

 

         "Lou.." 

 

         "Look, Harry... I'm glad you're happy. I really am. I want nothing but the best for you...even if that's not me. So if you want to marry Katie then by all means, I hope it works out for you two. I really, really do. But I won't be there, and I hope you can respect me and our past enough to understand why. Sorry." 

             It was a few seconds before Harry's gaze was torn from its fixation on the floor. His eyes were puffy and red, Louis imagined his own to be much the same. 

 

             "I miss you, Louis. I know I don't deserve you in my life after everything I've done to you...but I, I miss your brightness. I miss the smile that used to reach your eyes, I hate knowing I'm the reason it's gone...I'm the one who took it away." 

 

             Louis tried to remain composed while listening. 

 

            "I understand, though. Why you won't be there... I get it, and I do respect it." Harry inhaled deeply, fresh tears falling down his cheeks.  "I just... I don't want to say goodbye, Lou. Not for real. It's too hard." 

 

             Louis remembered the first time he had to say goodbye and let Harry walk away. He had wanted to fight for him but he just let him go. He wanted to fight for him, them once again but it was better than that now. So he mustered everything up and said the words once again, trying to feign some kind of bravery. "Good bye, Harry." 

 

              Harry flinched at the words but then nodded. "G-good bye, Lou..." 

 

            "Wait... Harry?"

 

             Harry just raised an eyebrow, remaining mute. 

 

            "Does...does she know? About us I mean, what we were?" The words come out awkward but Louis has this driving need to know the answer. 

 

              Harry's breath hitched and he looked downwards, shame casted over him. "No...she doesn't know."  

 

          Then he turned and walked out the door. 

 

             It may not be much, but to Louis it feels like the smallest of victories. Harry believed a relationship needed total honesty. If he was keeping a huge chunk of three years of his life from her... Well maybe Harry didn't really love her as much as Louis suspected. 

 

          "I love you." Louis let the words escape past his lips only after he knew Harry was really gone and wouldn't hear him. He'd been biting them back but he had to let them out. He fell into a crumple on the floor and cried, trying to ignore the feeling of déjà vu. This was too familiar, the wound was still to fresh. 

 

I love you.  The worst part was he still meant the words just as much as he had over a year ago. He still loved Harry with every aching bone in his body. He carried it around like a heaviness, dragging himself through the motionswith it. 

 

Harry, Harry, Harry... 

I love you. 

 

***

 

"This next song if the first solo single from Harry Styles. After best friend and band mate, Louis Tomlinson left the group six months ago, it was no surprise to hear Harry was working on a solo album. The other three boys say they're still working together, but we'll see how long that lasts." 

 

              Louis' fingers itched to change the station. He had been doing a pretty good job of avoiding Harry or the world they used to be apart of for the past six months. He had moved back home to Doncaster, in a house not far from his mum's. He was enjoying taking care of his new little brothers, and taking the girls off her hands when she got overwhelmed. It was peaceful. 

 

             He knew hearing Harry's voice on a solo track would surely send him into a spiral of emotions he had been doing a pretty good job of pushing down. But he was curious. 

 

             "The song, titled  Who You Love , is safely assumed to be about his fiancée. The two are said to be planning their wedding for the upcoming spring." 

 

            Louis froze. Spring wasn't that far away. 

 

            He felt completely paralyzed. Even if he decided he would change the station, he didn't think he'd be able to now. He sat numb as the melody began and the announcers words, to which he had zoned out, faded away into Harry's voice. 

 

             " You love who you love, who you love. You love who you love, who you love."   His voice was deep with the familiar grit Louis had gotten used to hearing every night at the shows, in the recording studio...in the shower when he made them sing cheesy duets. 

 

            " My love, you weren't the one that I saw coming. And sometimes I don't know which way to go. I've tried to run from this before, but I'm not running anymore. Cause I've fought against us hard enough to know... " 

 

             Louis had to pull over to the side of the road, listening to the words so intently that he couldn't focus on the road. 

 

            " That you love who you love, who you love. You love who you love, who you love. You love who you love, who you love.

 

" Oh you can't make yourself stop dreaming, who you're dreaming of. If it's who you love, then it's who you love. 

 

Louis hated his brain, hated the completely weak irrational part that kept pointing out that it didn't sound like a song written for his fiancée. He had been doing so well, false hope was the last thing he needed. 

 

                " My love, you weren't the one that I saw coming. Some have said your hearts too hard to hold. And yeah, it took a little time, but babe you should see yourself when you shine. It's a feeling I never wanna let go." 

 

Louis listened to the repeated hook and ending choruses with his face pressed into the cool leather of the steering wheel. "Who you love..." He murmured weakly. Was it so crazy to think maybe, just maybe, Louis hadn't been so far from Harry's mind while he wrote the song? Maybe Harry had tried to run from them before, and wasn't running anymore. Maybe it was Louis he was dreaming of. Maybe it was still Louis.. The one he loved. 

 

            "Shut up!" Louis yelled into the stale air of the car. "Shut up, shut up,  shut up !" 

 

            Because it wasn't, it couldn't be. Harry had left him almost two years ago, and he was promising himself to someone else. Harry didn't love Louis. 

 

           Louis wished dearly that he didn't love Harry, still.

 

*** 

 

"I'm so proud of you!" Eleanor squealed, rushing towards him as soon as he entered the backstage area of the Ellen show. 

 

             Louis tried to smile, but it got lost in his frozen expression. This was all surreal, sure he'd done it before... But that was with the other lads. This was just him, promoting a solo album. Singing love with no one to hide behind. 

 

              He had tried to stay away from all of this, thinking that if he didn't have the lads he didn't want to be apart of this world. But there was always this driving ambition to go back to it. He had auditioned for the x factor with intentions of being a solo artist, anyway. 

 

It hadn't taken long to put together his first sell titled album. The songs were already all written, he had tons to sort through with the recording studio. Writing had become an outlet for his pain, and well... Louis had a lot of pain. 

 

           So now the album was all recorded, and here he was, on the Ellen show to promote his first single "Say Something." 

 

            At first he had refused to even entertain putting it on the album -though Eleanor insisted it was his best work and deserved to be on it. The song held too much baggage, especially of Harry confessing all that time after that he still loved him. It felt wrong, like this song was too personal to share. 

 

           But he realized that was a apart of the problem. He was keeping three years of his life, this huge personal thing he had went through... All to himself. He held it so tightly that there was no way he could get over it all. He needed to let it go. 

 

              Louis hugged his mum and sisters briefly before it was his cue to go talk to Ellen. She asked him a lot of different questions, things about growing up in One Direction, how it changed him as a person, his remaining relationships with the boys, his new album... Louis tried to answer them all without giving too much away. 

 

         Then she asked about the song. "It's beautuful, absolutely beautiful. It's got this earnest sort of desperation I think a lot of us can relate too. What's the meaning behind it, to you?" 

 

              Louis had crafted an answer to this question, but last minute he abandoned the bullshit and went for the truth. "It's... It's about giving it all you have. I fought a long time for the one I loved, I tried so many times to give them another chance.. To say something. But they never. So, the songs about fighting for love but eventually giving up. Even if you really don't want too." 

 

             It was liberating getting that off his chest. 

 

*** 

 

An invitation is waiting in the mailbox when he gets back the next day from the Ellen Show. He ignores it. 

 

***

 

As much as Louis had tried to stay strong, starring at the stupid white scroll envelope proved to be too much. He eventually opened it. Which is why he now knows Harry's wedding is exactly one month away. 

 

Oh well. Louis doesn't care...not really. 

 

***

 

There's rumours in The Mirror that Harry's wedding has been called off. Some source of the venue saying they cancelled the caterers. Louis knows better than to listen to that bullshit. Who really trusts The Mirror, anyway?

  
  


*** 

You should really meet him. He's a great guy, Louis. 

 

Those had been Eleanor's words as she convinced - practically forced - Louis into a blind date with a friend from her university. 

 

             And it turned out that she'd been right. Cam was seemingly great, perfect even. He liked football - playing and watching. He told funny jokes that made Louis laugh. He had a strong jaw and sleek blonde hair that fell into blue eyes. He was tall and had a strong muscular build. He wore lose dress pants and a button up. He even paid for supper. 

 

             It had all the makings of a perfect first date. 

 

            But well... It wasn't. 

 

            Louis knew he was irrational. 

 

             Cam was quite cute, yes. But Louis liked brown curls, not straight blonde locks. He liked emerald green eyes and pretending to find corny puns funny. He liked mocking people who were awful at football and getting them all riled up over it. He liked lanky limbs and cheeky smiles and shirts that always seemed to have half of the buttons undone. He liked ripped skinny jeans - even if he tried to throw them out or replace them. He even liked the fucking pointy toed boots that he hated. 

 

              Louis didn't like Cam. He was a perfectly nice bloke but Louis had only ever been interested in one boy. A boy who not only met all of those requirements, but molded them. Louis was ruined by that cheeky smile and those curls that smelled like strawberry shampoo. No matter how much time had lapsed Louis just couldn't lower his expectations. 

 

            So he let Cam drive him home, thanked him for a nice evening and opted out of a good night kiss. He didn't make any mention of future plans together. There was a small expression of dissapointment on the other lads face but Louis pushed that downwards, ignoring it. He was really good at doing that now a days. 

 

            He wasn't really sure if tonight could be considered a fail or small victory. He had gotten out of his house and went out to dinner with a nice bloke. But it only really amplified the perpetual ache in his chest, physically reminding him of how not okay he was with an upcoming wedding. 

 

           He had been so preoccupied with these thoughts that he hadn't even noticed the sleek black car pulled up in front of his gate. Not until a shadowy figure started following him down the long winding walkway, concealed by the darkness. 

            Louis began fumbling in his pockets, trying to locate his keys as he hurriedly clomped his way to the front door. He knew he'd been being silly, thinking his fame had died down enough to try and live a normal life in a normal neighborhood. Of course people would find him. 

 

           "Louis?" 

 

           He froze upon hearing his name, fist clenching around the keys so tightly that the sharp edged pierced his skin. Suddenly he sort of wished it was some crazy stalker here to murder him - that would probably be easier to face than  Harry Styles.

 

           His body then relaxed though at the sound of his voice. Louis wasn't sure if he should attribute that to the no longer pending fear of his immediate death, or the fact that no matter what - he loved the sound of Harry's voice. Low, smooth and comforting. 

 

           "Shit, Harry. You fucking scared me - who sneaks up on someone in the bloody darkness? Are you mad?" Louis rambled on, trying to avoid asking the real questions swarming his brain.  Why are you here?

 

"Sorry," Harry mumbled, running his hands through his hair. "To be fair it wasn't dark when I got here." Louis could see him clearly now, illuminated by the light over his doorway. He looked like utter shit, really. His usually bright eyes were rimmed with dark circles, his hair was messy in a different way than usual. Matted and stuck up in different directions. His clothes was practically hanging off him and he looked nothing like the usual Harry Styles. But even so he still looked so beautiful. In his eyes Louis could see all of the years they spent together - his beauty was a reminder of the first time Louis had kissed a boy, the first person he had ever loved and completely opened himself up too. And no amount of time or pain could take away the beauty that Harry had once colored his life with. 

 

             "Hi," Harry sighed after a moment of Louis not saying anything. 

 

            "Fuck," was Louis' answering reply. "You don't just get to show up to my house and say  hi ." 

 

               "I have more to say." Silenced followed and Louis wanted to wrap his hands around Harry's neck and squeeze. 

 

              "Well then get on with it, yeah?" Louis snapped. His hands were starting to get clammy and his heart was hammering against his rib cage. Harry shouldn't be here - how did he even know where Louis lived? He was going to ruin the small amount of progress that had taken Louis so long to make. 

 

               "Can I come in?" Harry asked, eyes wide and expectant. He looked scared, like a little child. Then something crossed his face and he looked over his shoulder in confusion, staring down the street at nothing. "Wait. Were you on a date?" His eyes seemed to be taking in the dress shirt and blazer Eleanor had picked out for Louis. His face crumpled and Louis hated him so much for the way his own breathing caught. 

 

              "Yeah. I was." He said it harshly with venom, and Harry flinched. But in the category of hurting each other, Harry had much more to apologize for. And Louis didn't owe him anything anymore, so... He really had no right to be hurt by it. Louis refused to feel guilty for trying to move on - two years later. 

 

                 "I called off my wedding." The words fell from Harry's mouth rapidly, and then he blinked like he hadn't meant to let it slip out. 

 

                  Louis inhaled a sharp breath. It felt like his heart had stopped beating and all he wanted to was ask  why? Why did you call it off? Why are you here?  But fuck, he shouldn't care - Harry's wedding shouldn't even matter to him anymore. 

 

               "Is that so?" He mumbled, switching his weight from one foot to the other, arms crossed over his chest. He tried to muster up whatever indifference he could, hoping that after all this time they wouldn't be so in sync that Harry could still read his expression like the pages of an open book. 

 

              Harry licked his lips and nodded. Louis noted that his eyes were red, puffy a little. 

 

                "Weren't ready to be tied down? Still had some wild oats to sew? Random girls to-" 

 

                 "What are you-  no ..." Harry cut him off, shaking out his hair while exhaling a sigh of utter exasperation. "Louis... Can I just come inside?" 

 

                Louis sucked his not you lip further into his mouth, rocking back and forth on his heels. He was going to say yes - of course he was. This was Harry - and he had called off his weddings and no matter how much he wanted to hate him, he didn't. And he was weak - very,  very  weak. But still, he wanted to make Harry sweat. Make him feel small and pathetic just like he felt everytime Harry looked at him the past two years. 

 

                "Louis..." His voice was weak, face pained. 

 

               Louis pulled his jacket tighter to his body, fighting off the cool night air. "Yeah." He tried not to focus on Harry's face as he muttered his reply, instead stared up at the pale moon hanging up above his head. "Yeah, alright. Can't see why not." He spun on his heel, fumbling again with the keys that never left his grip. His hands shook a little while he tried to slot it into the hole. Normally he would make some sarcastic, self deprecating remark to ease the tension. But there wasn't enough irony in the world to erase the awkwardness hanging in the air between them. 

 

            Eventually he managed to get the door unlocked. He kicked off his shiny shoes and kept walking, not bothering to stop and see if Harry was following. He immediately found himself in the kitchen, head stuck into the fridge as he searched for alcohol. "God, where is it?" He mumbled out loud as he pushed around the Tupperware dishes. Eleanor had been visiting and she always cooked enough meals for Louis to survive on. She was a blessing, really. 

 

           "Where is what?" Harry asked. Louis jumped when his breath fanned his neck. 

 

            "Beer." There it was - right behind the box of pizza that Eleanor had scolded him for. He pulled the six pack, along with the box and set it onto the table. 

 

             "You need a beer just to have a conversation with me?" There wasn't really much judgement to his tone, more despair. It still made Louis' back muscles tense and his nostrils flair. 

 

            "You don't get to do that, okay? You don't get to criticize me, or judge me. You don't get to because you have no idea what it's been like - you just..." 

 

           "I'm sorry." 

 

           Louis didn't dwell on that, he'd let himself fall for false apologizies before. "Beer?" He offered while tossing back the lid of the box and hauling out of slice. He chewed on it while look at Harry expectantly. 

 

            "No... I'm good." His brows knit together, an expression he made while trying to come up with something to say. "But um... I'm proper starving. Can I have a slice?" 

 

             "Go on. Looks like you haven't eaten in days." 

 

             Harry rubbed at his eyes before reaching forwards and grabbing one for himself. "Honestly, I'm not even sure I have? Last few days have been kind of a fucking blur." His voice caught and he looked like he might cry, but instead he shoved the pizza into his mouth and chomped down on it aggressively. 

 

            "That must be so hard for you Harry," Louis replied sarcastically, tossing aside his crust. Once upon a time he would have offered it to Harry. Times have changed, and Louis can't help but dwell on every little detail of how badly they'd fallen apart. They used to be  louisandharry.  One person, attached at the hips, always sharing secret jokes. It was that way from the beginning. Until they concqurred the world, at least. And then their relationship was deemed unfit for public scrutiny. That's when this whole mess started, really. But Louis had long since stopped blaming circumstances for their fuckdom. He blamed Harry, mostly, for not loving him enough to work through it. He blamed himself for not seeing the problems that were rising before his very eyes. 

 

              "Did you come in for pity? For someone to listen to your sob story? Because trust me, I'm the very last person who cares about your fucking pain. I'm not going to feel bad that you got your heart broken. Call me bitter, but whatever." 

 

             "I didn't get my heart broken." 

 

             "Well aren't you lucky," Louis hummed before taking a long swig. "Because let me tell you, it sucks, mate." His voice was raw, pained. Maybe even a little pathetic because it had been so long. But they'd never really had this conversation, and all of Louis old wounds were being torn open, like they were simply held together with lousy stitches this whole time. 

 

               "Mate," Harry scoffed an echo in a way that could only be defined as equally bitter. 

 

               "Yeah,  mate . That's what you wanted, yeah? To go back and be friends again. To be your bloody best man. S'what you wanted, Harry, isn't it? Just offering you what you wanted." 

 

              Harry visibly flinched at every syllable. "I called off my wedding." 

 

             "So you've said." Louis ran a hand over his face and closed his eyes. "What are you doing here, exactly?" 

 

             "Honestly? I don't know, Lou... Louis," Harry corrected with a sad, apologetic smile. Louis wanted to tell him that he could call him Lou, if he wanted. But his mouth wouldn't seem to open and the words just got stuck until he swallowed them back down. "I was supposed to get married in, like, days. Jesus my tux is still in the back of my car." 

 

               Louis didn't want to think about Harry in a tux - not while he was standing opposite of a girl in a fluffy white cupcake dress, at least. 

 

                "So why aren't you getting married? What happened?" Louis shouldn't ask, because his brain is thinking ridiculous things, connecting ludicrous dots and it's dangerous. Eleanor would kill him if she could see him. 

 

                "I was trying to write my vows - and I... I couldn't. I was sitting there for hours, thinking about the reasons I wanted to marry her and all... All I could think about were the reasons I had wanted to marry  you . The things I had planned on saying at  our  wedding. And it didn't feel the same, and I know that what I felt for you was the real thing. I fucked it up, but it was real. If I don't feel that way for Katie - it wouldn't be fair to either of us to go through with this. She deserves better." 

 

             Louis listened, remaining silent, even though he wanted to tell Harry to  shut the bloody hell up  on more than one occasion during his rant. "She does deserve better." 

 

             Harry gave him a pained look but nodded solemnly all the same. "She deserves someone who's in love with her." 

 

            "So why did you ask her to marry you?" Louis pushed aside his now empty bottle and reached for another one. Harry did too, this time. "Tell me the real reason - no bullshit, or trying to dance around my feelings." 

 

             "Okay..." Harry swiped a stray strand of hair from his forehead while nodding, eyes focused on the table in front of him. "Okay," he repeated. "Um... Well when I first... When I first, um, met Katie, I really liked her. And it surprised me, truthfully. Because I had never even, like, looked at any other person slightly romantically since I was sixteen? Since I met you... You were like everything to me and I didn't ever feel the need to think about anyone else. So when I couldn't stop thinking about Katie... It kind of freaked me out. But she was awesome - and Grimmy encouraged me to call her when I confessed this to him." Harry ignored the grunt and mutter " fucking Grimshaw " from Louis and just continued. "And I really did like her, a lot. She was funny and charming and sweet. And when I was with her... There was no burden. I didn't have to be afraid of taking a fucking picture with her in case it was leaked, or worry about the way my eyes  sparkled  when I looked at her. I could just be myself, I didn't feel like I was lying or protecting this giant secret. Honestly, um, I really liked that the most, I think." 

 

              Louis was utterly and totally pathetic, but there was pit formed in the bottom of his stomach, and his brain was repeating the word  burden over and over again. Dwelling on the fact that the details of said burden were pretty much his entire relationship with Louis. Louis was said burden. 

 

             He would never have described being with Harry as a burden. Not even the times he was forced to bring Eleanor everywhere, or jet off with her for weekends. All of it was worth it to him. And he'd always known this had been where Harry's head was at, but he'd never heard him actually say it. Somehow he felt he really did need to hear it, even if it was ripping his stomach apart. 

 

             "So it felt nice - being with someone so openly and honestly. And I guess... Because of that I wanted to love her. I wanted to love her so badly that I guess I convinced myself that I  did.  I convinced myseld that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her because it was easier... Easier than acknowledging the truth." 

 

              He paused and looked up at Louis. His eyelashes were wet from the tears just starting to gather there. Louis wasn't sure if he wanted him to continue -if he could possibly handle what the truth was. 

 

              "The truth.... that I regretted ever leaving you. I felt free with Katie - but it wasn't the same, I didn't love her, not like you. I was so afraid of the way my heart still ached for you. It was easier, but it wasn't right. It wasn't you and I." 

 

              "You regretted leaving," Louis echoed, letting his watery eyes fall to the floor. He scratched at the back on his head while his mind raced with all the implications of what Harry was saying. "Fuck," he muttered quietly and the word tasted funny in his mouth.   

 

              "Everyday." Harry sniffed, a small smile perching on his lips. Louis wanted to smack it away - he wanted to kiss it away...

 

               "Fucking  bullshit , Harry!" Louis screamed, jumping out from his seat and accidentally knocking it over in the process. The loud crash made him jump and then they were both completely silent. It gave Louis a moment to breathe, to let the initial rage cursing through his veins simmer so he could make a coherent thought. "That's shit, you know. Utter crap!" 

 

              " No , Louis! It- it's not... It's the-" 

 

              "If you regretted it everyday you could have came back! I made it very clear that you were still welcome - I would have taken you back... Let you come home. But you never, so don't try and tell me you regretted leaving!" 

 

               "Take me back  now , Louis! I... I'm sorry and I want to come home." 

 

                "You can't! God, we don't have a  home  anymore. It's been too long. You can't be my home anymore, Harry." Louis couldn't help the tears pooling in his eyes or the wavering of his voice. Because that's what Harry had once been - a solid constant. His home. His heart. "You left me..." His mouth formed the sentence so quietly that he barely heard it himself. 

 

              They starred at each other with wide tear filled eyes, silence wrapping around them. 

 

              "I know.... I'm sorry." Harry looked like he actually meant it. Remorse was written all over his angular features and Louis believed him whole heartedly. 

 

                Louis calmed ever so slightly, but his body still had a nervous buzz. His hands fluttered around, unable to find a comfortable place to land. "Why?" 

 

               "I don't know - it was stupid-" Harry started but Louis wasn't having that. He needed to know why. 

 

               " Why ?" He demanded, finding a sudden strength to his voice. "Why?" He screamed louder. It cracked with the start of a sob. "Fuck, why did-"

 

              "I was afraid, okay? I was scared to fucking death!" Harry interrupted, standing now too. His hands were clenched and the two looked ready for a screaming match, suddenly inches out of each other's faces. 

 

              "Why were you so fucking afraid? What were you afraid  of ? Didn't I prove my love to you! Didn't i do enough?" 

 

              "You want to know? You really want to fucking hear it?  Fine.  I was afraid that you wouldn't be able to handle it. Coming out, I mean. That it would be too much for you and it would tear us apart! I was afraid that I would ultimately lose you. I was afraid you'd never be ready to leave the closet." 

 

              "Don't you dare make this about me being scared of coming out! You couldn't  force  me Harry, and you never understood that! And maybe I was fucking protecting you, alright? Maybe I was being the logical one because you always seemed to he a dumb kid with your head up in the clouds. I was in reality - I knew  you  couldn't handle it!" 

 

               "I could... I could have handled it! It was all I wanted. Louis... All I ever wanted was to be allowed to love you! To show the world how much I loved you!" 

 

              “How were you going to manage that when you couldn’t even manage to show me how much you supposedly loved me?” Louis fired back. He was starting to pace now, and he really wanted another beer but he didn’t want to seem weak. 

 

              “I... I made the wrong choice, Lou... But you.... you seemed so ashamed of me, so intent on keeping it hidden... And it made feel that you were ashamed of me, too. Of loving me. And it made me feel awful about myself. It put me in this terribly dark pace. I was miserable.” 

 

              It was incredibly ironic, but even hearing that he had once made Harry feel miserable left Louis with a giant twinge of guilt ripping in his stomach. "So why didn't you  talk  to me?” He whispered.  “Three years, Harry! Three bloody years and you couldn't even tell me how you felt? I was never ashamed of you, I loved you so much and was so proud to call you mine. I just couldn't do it in front of the whole world, yet. I was protecting us both... The lads too. I was taking on everything, seeing El more often, denying our relationship, all so there was less put on you. And look where it got me..." 

 

              "I'm s-sorry. I'm so sorry, Lou. I didn't come here to fight about old issues - I came here to tell you that I have still loved you all this time. And I want to make it up to you, I want another chance at what we had. I'm saying something - finally. And praying that you haven't given up on me yet." 

 

           "I deserve better." The words were choked from Louis' mouth, accompanied by a small pained sob. He'd waited so long to hear Harry say these things to him. He'd agonized over it all for two years. And he fucking deserved better. Better than someone who was just going to give up on him, someone who would lead him on and propose to someone else the next day. Louis couldn't wait to hear Harry say he still loved him - but it wasn't enough anymore. It was too late. 

 

            "You deserve the whole world, Louis." Harry swiped hurriedly at his eyes. "I know I've been awful. I promise you I can treat you right. Like I used too..." His hands are trembling together on the table top and it takes every bit of restraint Louis can muster not to reach out and hold them. Not to reach out and grab ahold of Harry and never let him go again. 

 

             "Harry..." Louis sucked in a deep gulp of air, trying to fill his lungs with enough courage to say the words getting lodged in his throat. "Harry I think you should go.... Please." 

 

              Harry’s entire face crumbled and he forcefully shook his head back and forth, eyes squeezed shut. “No... Please, Louis, we can....” He stopped talking, opting instead to grab Louis by the shoulders and planting a firm kiss unto his lips. He tasted sweet, like the fruity bubble gum he always chewed. Louis stood like a statue for just a moment, letting Harry’s mouth slowly massaged over his own. But he kept his own clamped shut and slowly, with every bit of strength he could muster, he swiveled his neck. 

 

              Louis backed away, eyes shut tightly, and pressed both palms against his face. “No, Harry, you have to go.” His words were muffled, partly from his hands and partly from crying. He kept his eyes firmly shut as he listened to the ragged breath and shuffling. He didn’t move his hands as the sounds of heavy footsteps slowly dimmed. It wasn’t until the front door was closed loudly that he allowed himself to move. He only managed to muster up the energy to fall against the counter, pressing his forehead against the cool marble of it. 

 

              He spent a couple of moments trying to regulate his breathing while the tingling of Harry’s kiss slowly left his lips. Eventually the heaving sobs simmered and he was just leaning over the counter, taking deep ragged inhales. Each breath stung, burning his throat. But at the same time Louis felt oddly free. Like this huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders for the first time in years.

 

            Like his pitiful unrequited love for Harry was no longer weighing him down. 

 

             Harry loved him, he had said so, and Louis could see it in his eyes. He knew Harry better than anyone and he knew when he really truly meant it. 

 

             But maybe it just wasn't enough anymore. Louis had never imagined he'd ever be strong enough to refuse Harry's lips, let alone send him away. But Harry had growing up to do. A  lot  of fucking growing up to do. Louis knew he deserved better and well...

 

             Maybe he liked curly hair and green eyes and ripped skinny jeans and warm lanky limbs. But maybe they weren't  good  for him. Maybe all the little things he loved about Harry weren't enough anymore, after everything he had done.

 

             Maybe... Just maybe, Louis could learn to like floppy blonde hair and a boy who made him laugh and played football and opened the car door for him. Cam would be  good  for him. He was what Louis really needed at this point in his life. 

 

              It just took Harry showing up to make that clear to him. 

 

             One, two, three.. With every passing ring Louis was getting nervous. Perhaps Aiden hadn't been as interested as he thought and that's why he wasn't picking up -

 

             "Hello? Louis... Is everything okay?" Cam's voice had a wavering pitch of worry which made Louis frown in confusion. Until he realized... Yeah he had only drove him home less than an hour earlier. 

 

             "Everything..." Louis sucked in a deep breath. "I think I made a mistake tonight... By blowing you off..." 

 

             Cam hummed in agreement which made Louis wince. He was hoping Cam hadn't picked up on it. 

 

            "I was just... Scared, maybe? My last relationship... It didn't end very well for me. But I was thinking and... I know this semi private football pitch. What do you say, want to go for a kick and... See where this goes?" 

 

           The words fumbled off his tongue in an awkward fashion and he was certain Aiden was going to laugh into the speaker. 

 

           "I'll pick you up in ten." 

 

            Louis wasn't okay. He wasn't a fool who thought one phone conversation was going to fix all the baggage he'd been carrying with him for too long. He'd jumped in headfirst before and it got him no where. But he was making progress. Perhaps in the distant future he'd be able to have a proper conversation with Harry without the physical ache that came along with it now. Maybe one day they'd be able to be friends, again. 

  
           But for now Louis was ready to finally move on. 


End file.
